da aviator aposta： 1. Status Quo – With the season reaching squeaky bum time, Manchester United pulled out their party piece run-in trick of grinding out late goal wins in games they looked hardly capable of scoring in, gently applying some much needed oil to their behinds in the process (a metaphorical continuation I instantly feel cheaper for going with). Having started with the constantly impressive Javier Hernandez, whom Mark Lawrenson noticed “never ever, ever stops moving” like some kind of deadly transvestite shark, it was his replacement by the equally calculating dead eyed predatory instincts of Dimitar Berbatov that finally swung the pendulum United’s way (another metaphor I’ve never understood, as a pendulum’s constant, indecisive conclusionless motion is precisely what makes it a pendulum). A recklessly snap joint decision by Jonny Evans and Stuart Holden to try and scissor each other in mid-air might have ended the American’s season, and earned a red card and suspension for the former, reducing United’s injury hit squad to 2 natural defenders and a cardboard cut out of Owen Hargreaves for their trip to West Ham next week.
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2. Keep on Runnin’ – Whilst United were revelling in the execution of their annual party trick, Arsenal were wallowing in the prospect of pulling off their yearly bottle job at the arse end of the season (a turn of phrase that paradoxically couldn’t be both less and more apt for them) before just about holding it together despite the latest effort to bolster their own in house comedy keeping howlers Christmas video. Manuel Almunia may not stand as statuesque as Wojciech Szczesny, being a full inch shorter, but did his best to stand as still as one during a “down your throat” Steven Reid header before his triangle button became inexplicably stuck and he raced pointlessly out of his goal, straight into Sebastien Squillaci and like some ghastly Benny Hill tribute sketch played by Sacha Baron Cohen playing Bruno playing Hill, gifted Odemwinge a tap in second. The Gunners displayed a deal of champion’s spirit to haul back level courtesy of an Arshavin goal and a Van Persie foul, but couldn’t find a winner. Apart from on their bench, where Jens Lehmann pyramided his fingers and cackled like a bond villain returning from an earlier presumed death intent on world domination. Mwa ha ha ha.
3. Luiz Luiz, Oh baby.. – At Stamford Bridge Chelsea suddenly realised they were back in the hunt for something or other and overcame Manchester City with even less help than usual from their £50m marquee signing Fernando Torres. The real star of transfer deadline day has emerged as David Luiz who’s taken to Premiership football like a duck to pancakes. The Brazilian now has 200% more goals for Chelsea than Torres and looks a nailed on cert to establish himself amongst the top defenders in the league. With the Da Silva twins over at Old Trafford also making strides, Brazil’s back line for their own World Cup in 2014 is threatening to look suspiciously like a bad Led Zeppelin tribute band. Or possibly some kind of ill planned Starsky and Hutch convention where everyone’s turned up as Starsky. It’s also ominously likely to bring back that tired old football cliché about how effortlessly better the Brazilians are at football than everyone else, a trope rather unhelpfully compounded when tough tackling defensive midfielder Ramires effortlessly slalomed his way through City’s defense to slot home a sambarific second. Why couldn’t Elton John have adopted a Brazilian baby?
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4. Cum on Feel the Noize – As one 20-odd million pound player was taking the spotlight away from a ludicrously over expensive teammate, another was doing the same at the Stadium of Light where human chipmunk and long lost relative of Dave Hill from Slade Luis Suarez, continued to reaffirm his already widespread (and assumed) reputation as the best of Liverpool’s January acquisitions. After taking the lead from a penalty no one could decide the merit of even after numerous replays and exhaustive Redknappian literally’s, Suarez wriggled his way onto the nearside touchline before lashing the ball home from an unfeasibly tight angle. The inflated and squashed Claire Balding impersonator that currently masquerades as Steve Bruce was understandably unhappy with referee Kevin Friend’s decision to award the opening spot kick in the area despite initially whistling for a free kick outside, but as with all decisions in life, it’s always advisable to seek a second opinion. Preferably from someone twice as far away as you are. That’s why I never trust on scene reporters milling around in front of stuff. They never know anything. The story is always bound to have been broken 20 minutes earlier on Twitter. We should just scrap assistant referees altogether and replace them with a Twitter version. They could be called Twiterees and be forced to communicate solely in banal text speak and a limited amount of characters. Lolz.
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5. Oranges and Lemons – Blackpool continue to do everything right and everything wrong at exactly the same time in every game, leaving them as the only competition for the most entertaining season DVD with Arsenal’s in-house comedy keeper howlers 10/11. They remain fantastically enjoyable to watch but such is their worrying dependence on skipper Charlie Adam that his inevitable summer departure could see them capitulate completely from a side where everyone just looks like they work on a building site, to a side where everyone plays like one too. I really really don’t want them to go down though. There aren’t nearly enough good orange things in football. Not since Holland went dirty and Wes Brown got rubbish.
Other Things I Noticed: Roberto Martinez seems to have grown back his hair. Alex McLeish looks like a peeled orange. Aston Villa have gotten worse since losing James Milner, and so has James Milner. Stoke have now used up their entire non-set piece goal quota in one game and Louis Saha’s hair has finally stopped exploding after seven months. It’s now just singed, but still looks rubbish.
You can follow Oscar on Twitter here, http://twitter.com/oscarpyejeary where you can observe him communicating solely in banal text speak and a limited number of characters. Lolz
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